Any advice…

The holidays are coming here and I’ve been lying to my family that I’m still with my ex and we were together 9 years so idk how to break the news to them or try to change the subject because they’re gonna ask what he got me for Christmas and it’s obviously nothing so any advice would be helpful

so i haven’t been on here in almost a month. and its been such a long month omg. but tonight i needed to talk so here i am writing this post since i have no one to talk to.

so… i didn’t talk to my ex for almost a month… it was the longest month of my life. i said in my last post i didn’t want to be with him anymore. and that was true. i didn’t. but after having someone in your life for a decade you’re still allowed to miss them. and i did so much. and then he finally talked to me. he told me he missed me and he loved me and needed to see me. so of course i went and saw him. i thought it was a great night. he told me he wanted to work things out… we were going to work on things… i said we should be friends but he insisted things would work… idk   idk where we even left it but i said we can work on it. but now idk whats going on. because he says that and is still ignoring me… refuses to admit he loves me anymore… won’t speak to me. so im taking that as were still not together. I’ve never been so confused in my life.

then, theres this boy. who i have a crush on. i wouldn’t say like but potentially i could if i got to know him better. but the thing is, he so busy. so so so busy.  he was my customer at my old branch and i added him on facebook awhile ago. he had this nice pretty girlfriend. and then one night, a week after my ex and i weren’t speaking and were broken up, i was at the bar with my friend and he told me this guy is single. im like theres no way… sure enough, he was. i got drunk and facebook messaged him and weve talked. but no hanging out, because like i said, he’s so busy. 

i want to figure things out with my ex before i move on to everything else. but its so hard.  he only wants me when i don’t want him. and then i give in and say fine we can work on things and he’s like fuck nvm i don’t want that. its so confusing. im so confused. and upset and ugh. i want to let go but he reassured me he would try this time… but he’s not.  and idk what is going through his head and it hurts just waiting. its like i was so sure i didn’t want to be with him. i even saw him for the first time in a month and felt nothing. i was like wow i guess this really is moving on. and i thought he was going to agree. but what he said to me and explained its like he had this whole thing all planned out and figured out. its unlike anything he’s ever said or wanted to try before. so i agreed.   i still said being friends would be better for us but i agreed to work on things. because why not? i still love him and everything. if we made it work and i eventually wanted to be with him again that would be great. but the guy i spoke to that night and the guy I’ve been talking to this week are two different people.. and idk what to believe ughhh.

okay sorry end rant ily all and im sorry for annoying you all with my stupid love life.